Lots of people get interviewed. I tend not to, because nobody really knows or cares just who I am. I suspect that’s probably a good thing, in all occasions except those when I’m failing to get funding for some projects I want to do.
But anyway, as nobody else is interviewing me, I thought I’d fill the gap and interview myself.
Me: Hi.
Me: Hi.
Me: So, you’re Rohan Harris, right?
Me: Mostly.
Me: What that your attempt at an ironic reference to something you wrote last year?
Me: I guess so. It didn’t really work, did it?
Me: No, actually that was pretty pretentious.
Me: Sorry. Shall we get on with the interview?
Me: Yeap. Okay, so… you make films, right?
Me: Not really. I have in the past. I mean, I film stuff, don’t get me wrong. And it’s usually (read: always) things that I’ve written. But it takes so damn long to do that I”m beginning to suspect that it’s really just a hobby and probably not worth mentioning as much as my other projects, these days.
Me: Wow. That was a pretty long-winded response.
Me: I could draw it out further, if you like.
Me: No, no. I’m already bored. So… you make films… now, when did you first realise that you wanted to make films?
Me: Actually I don’t. I want to make computer games, really.
Me: Oh. So why don’t you?
Me: Fuck, now you’re depressing me.
Me: No, really. I mean, you’re a professional software developer by day. And didn’t you get into that originally to become a game programmer?
Me: Jesus, being interviewed by yourself sucks. And yeah, I did. Back in the Microprose days. When most games were 70% coding/design and 30% art.
Me: And now they aren’t?
Me: No.
Me: So you like playing the type of game where-
Me: Small games. Turn-based, usually. Thinky strategy games, usually with a basis in economics, business or espionage.
Me: Right, right. Why not make those? If they’re mostly coding, then shouldn’t it be easy to-
Me: Fuck me, you really are depressing. Can we get back to filmmaking?
Me: I thought you said you didn’t really want to make films.
Me: What? No. I mean, well, yes. I mean no. I mean, I don’t really want to make really big stuff. I’m not into action films, and I’m not out to make big award-winning films. I’d just like to make the kind of films that I want to watch, that are missing from the market.
Me: So you do want to make films?
Me: Well, yeah. I want to MAKE them. They’re fun! Being on set is the most fun you can have, I think.
Me: Great. Good to know.
Me: Yeah. Uh… was that a question?
Me: No. I’m out of questions.
Me: But this is supposed to be an interview.
Me: Oh, okay. Uhm… so… what did you have for breakfast?
Me: Eggs on toast.
Me: Cool, cool. So, uh… how’s the, uh… the whole SZA thing going?
Me: Oh, a little tiring. It takes time to make these things, you know.
Me: Yeah, I know. So… what’s next for you after the second season of Sharehouse Zombie Apocalypse is done? Another web series? Perhaps moving into actual, on-the-air TV?
Me: I dunno.
Me: You’re shit at answering questions, you know that?
Me: You’re shit at ASKING questions!
Me: Hey, I’m just trying to give you really open questions that might give you the chance to get onto interesting topics.
Me: Oh. Can we just have a beer instead?
Me: Okay, you sold me.
Me: Righteous.
Me: Oh, wait – one more. What did you have for dinner last night?
Me: A small tree and a volkswagon beetle.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Me: No shit. I mean, fuck, does it really matter? Even if I was fuckin’ Famous McActor, the Scottish performer who headlines every movie and directs random plays on the side, nobody would care what the fuck I had for dinner.
Me: Okay. So, feature film or web series next? You didn’t say.
Me: I’m going to write and direct a web series about the Romanian textiles industry. There. You happy?
Me: No, I’m thirsty. Can we get some coffee now?
Me: I thought you wanted beer!
Me: Beer? Oh yeah. I did say that, didn’t I? Well, let’s go with coffee instead.
Me: It’s a diuretic, you know.
Me: Oh, shut up.
Me: You know, you’re a really boring person.
Me: Speak for yourself.
Post a Comment